im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She needs sedatives and a leash
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
