he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
try to milk me bitch
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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