last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize