I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
