Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
