He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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