She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
