i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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