When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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