you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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