mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
