I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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