70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i think im in europe. pls send help
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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