Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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