I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize