I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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