Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
