what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
