My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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