Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
