she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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