Someone shit on the floor
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
