i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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