You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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