Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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