I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
