Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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