I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
