the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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