I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
