yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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