Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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