you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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