I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
