I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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