My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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