I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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