hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
