i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
