Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
