i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
