last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
