I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
