I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
