So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
