I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need to sanitize my soul.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize