i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
