Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
