A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
