So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
