It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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