I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize