Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
