I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize