i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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