I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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