You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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