do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize