just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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