Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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