She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
