If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
