So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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