So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
