i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
